I AM A BITTER OLD WOMAN. D:

I need to start honing my skills in all the things I've always wanted to be skillful at. I have no wants or goals at the moment and it is not good. I can't get myself to do anything and when I see other people living their lives or moving on, it...I don't know. Upsets me and makes me jealous, I guess. Not that I don't want them to be happy, but it's depressing that I don't have that, or I'm not allowed to come along for the ride. I need something to strive for so I feel better about myself, as if I have a purpose.

How do I make myself do things? This is my entire problem with life.

My excitement for the year will be receiving Windows 7 tomorrow.  Of course, my PC originally came with XP, which means if I need to reformat I will have to install 3 OS's since my copies of Vista and 7 are only upgrades and not the full packages.  >_>  I don't want to do a fresh install but I know I should.  I expect to get the package around 4 p.m. and finish installing around 7...

Not much has been going on aside from work and me time.  I am enjoying my me time because I have been able to entertain myself which means I am engaging in activities that actually make me happy.  I hate not looking forward to anything or having nothing to obsess over.  At the same time I'm kind of in limbo and don't know what to do with myself.  I know this because I have started to eat when I'm not hungry again.  I think I'm going to have one last hurrah tonight and finish off this spinach and feta pizza.  Tomorrow I become smart again.

Does anyone have Halloween plans?  I'd love an excuse to dress up, but the ball is never in my field.

P.S. I have been semi-disappointed with several new music albums.  Why do you want to see me sad, guys?  I only waited 5 years for your new albums.

I got a letter telling me about loans I didn't know I took out.  Another good day.

I've had a temperature of around 99.6 for the past 2 weeks.  My normal temperature is only around 97.8 (definitely below normal).  I have chills and a bit of light-headedness.  Other than that I feel fine; no sore throat, headache, anything.  Do I have some low grade sickness?  I've never had a temperature up like that for so long.  I tried searching for things online but everything that comes up is about hardcore diseases I'm going to assume I don't have.  Maybe my body is fighting the flu?

I've had a horrible sleep schedule this entire week.  I've been taking naps at night (yes, I am amazing) and setting my alarm for the morning.  I haven't set an alarm since I graduated.  :(  My time has been consumed by all those little coding problems, and researching and implementing solutions takes a lot longer than it should.  I spent at least 2 days going through Flash tutorials because I couldn't get a skin to show.  In the end I discovered for myself all I needed to do was make the stage bigger.  ~_~  Bacon eyes for you, nofaythe!

I actually paid attention to "Batman: The Brave and the Bold" this morning and it is pretty good.  After "The Batman" I was skeptical of anything new they were doing.  I always wished they'd do another Batman series like the one from the 90's, but even darker with crisp, mature animation.  BBB (amirite?) is refreshing though.  The humor was actually funny instead of groan-worthy.  I accept it.

I'm looking forward to Sunday because I am crashing Oktoberfest.  Despite being German and having lived here for 23 years, I have never attended this event.  I do not know how that happened.  I hope it is as spectacular as I see in my mind's eye.

My grandmother gave me "the rest" of my Christmas money for this year (she literally finishes buying presents in February then gives everyone cash as the 2nd part of their gifts).  I went this weekend for Labor Day sales and blew it on a few expensive items I wouldn't normally buy for myself.  I wish it would have gone farther but I wanted to get things I really wanted rather than settle for something because it was cheaper.

This is my new favorite necklace.  I got these earrings but in gold with amber gems.  I also bought my first pair of nice boots, which will look great with some of my sweater dresses and skirts this winter. (That picture is awful, btw.  The shoe is smooth leather, not a pixelated mess.)  I was never that concerned about having a shoe collection until recently.  Now I'd like to have one but shoes are too expensive.  :(

I've always liked tall boots and thigh-high socks and such, but don't know how to wear them without looking...trashy.  Does anyone know any styles I might be able to emulate?

I let all my work for this week pile up into tonight.  I will never learn.

A few of my friends and I started preparing to play a Dungeons and Dragons game.  Some have had experience in it before but it's going to be slow starting for the most part.  I've never played so it's a bit overwhelming, but I think it's going to be great.  I created a gnome wizard named Wonton the Wanton.  I'm determined to illusion or invent actual wontons in the story, but the DM keeps threatening me with death.  There will be mutiny if he kills me, so he can try.  :P

We're going to try to get together every Wednesday from now on.  I feel like I am reaching a whole new level of nerdom lately with D&D and cosplay.  It was only a matter of time, really.

Does anyone get spam containing pieces of literature?  I find myself actually reading the stories.  I have no idea if they're from actual books or not.  This is a snippet from one I got today:

There Catalina was noisily distilling an aroma from
goat liver and onions. The entrails she threaded on little sticks and
broiled them to a delicate brown over the coals, while the head she
placed whole in the oven. Later this was cracked open and the brains
taken out with a spoon, piping hot and very savoury. These viands were
supplemented by a pan of large pale biscuits, and a big tin pot of
coffee.

At the bottom of the email is an ad for Viagra.  :\

Good news for once, guise.  I will have gone to 3 parties within the last 3 days.  Fun times!

Everyone's relatives are out of town so we've been borrowing their houses.  Two of my friends hosted parties this week and it was a great time.  Everyone lives at home or in an apartment, so it was nice to be loud and not worry about anything.  I spent a lot of time playing SSBB and some card games with large groups of people.  There's nothing better.

Today I'm going to a going away party for my cousin who is entering the priesthood.  (Or priest school or whatever he has to go through for 10 years before they decide he's good to go.)  I think he'll make a great priest and I'm happy for him.  I believe he's becoming a Jesuit priest, who are more focused on intellectual pursuits.  Truthfully, I was excited that he would be able to reside over my wedding, but if it really takes 10 years, I might hope for baptizing my child.  At least I hope it doesn't take 10 years for me to marry.  ._.

I got my wig yesterday for Hilde.  It's a nice color and a perfect length so I think it'll work well.  I'll take some pics once I get it styled.  At the moment, I'm thinking of going simple and leaving it straight like it's supposed to be.  I think I'd rather practice messing around on a cheaper wig before I start knotting this one.

I'm always surprised at how accurate these things are.  I have to admit some of it was scary.

Taken from nofaythe 

Pisces Strength Keywords:

- Compassionate
- Adaptable
- Accepting
- Devoted
- Imaginative

Pisces Weakness Keywords:

- Oversensitive
- Indecisive
- Self-pitying
- Lazy
- Escapist

Pisces and Independence:

Pisces needs a dominant partner of role model in their life or they will very easily fall into a pit of self-pity and self-undoing. When they are independent and inspired by life's events, their creativity comes shining through but they are unable to be on their own for long before they start dreaming in their imaginary world of happy people and happy endings. They need other people to keep them grounded and on the right track.

I'm pretty sure this world will never make me happy.  I'm always thinking about somewhere else.

Pisces and Friendship:

Pisces will go out of their way to help a friend. They are extremely sensitive and loyal. They will take a friend's problem and make it their own and suffer with them. This is the weak spot of Pisces but any friend of this zodiac sign should know that although they are attracted to people with severe problems who desperately need help, this actually does more harm them good. Even though Pisces will offer to make everything right, do not allow them to take on all your problems because they will lose their identity in your situation. They need a strong positive friend to make them strong. Pisces like adventure, new situation and social events. A Pisces friend will always have something exciting in mind and it is a very fulfilling, long lasting friendship.

I'm sensitive to people's feelings, but try to be the positive one.  I still get caught up in my own problems by knowing the logical answer yet am held back by emotions.

Pisces and Business:
Pisces does not take well to a position of leadership or high business person, they are too sensitive and lacking in self-discipline and lacking self-confidence for a positions such as that. What they are good at is is writing, acting, poetry, or being musicians. Pisces are excellent at anything that tugs at the heart strings and mystical/spiritual. They are extremely creative and can use their skills of creativity and their understanding of people to inspire others. Unfortunately, most Pisces take the easy way out in life and never attain the degree of fame that they possibly could, they have to stop self-doubting themselves because they are capable of being good role models and leaders to others, people do look up to them.

This one kind of hurt.  I do think I'm wasting my life with my inhibitions.  I would love to write a novel or make a film. 

Pisces and Temperament:

The Pisces personality is hard to pin down, it is very mysterious and elusive. Pisces are molded by their surroundings, they incorporate their experiences and surroundings into themselves. They have extreme compassion and they feel the pain of others. If something is wrong in the world that affects them, it affects them deeply, they take it to heart and feel extreme feelings regarding the matter. When they are happy, they are extremely happy and when they are sad, they are extremely depressed.
 

Pisces Deep Inside:

Pisces have an intuitive and psychic ability more then any other zodiac signs. They trust their gut feelings and if they do not, they quickly learn to because they realize that their hunches are usually correct. Pisces downfall is their sensitivity and their inability to reject another person. They do not like rejection and they try to treat others the way they want to be treated so they will rarely say no to a person for fear of hurting their feelings. They will help another person with their problems and like to do so because making others feel good in turn makes them feel good. Pisces is the zodiac sign of self-undoing. People born under this zodiac sign are not susceptible to bad luck and unfortunate events, they bring them on themselves by overindulging, laziness and a knack for picking poorly suited partners and friends. They want people in their life who stir their emotions because this helps them to practice emotional stability. The inner conflict of Pisces is extremes of temperament and conflicting emotions. They are trying to pinpoint themselves on the real world while their spiritual world can cloud their vision, they will try to escape or avoid a situation instead of confronting it. Pisces eternal struggle is to learn to use their powers and their imagination in a positive, productive way and vying for emotional stability by not giving away their emotions to everyone else, they need to help themselves.

Uh, yes yes yes.

Pisces in a Nutshell:

Pisces is the sign of mysticism, mystery and the spiritual unknown. Pisces live in two worlds, the real world and the spiritual or mystical world where they interpret what they see into what they want. They do this to avoid all the realities of pain and suffering in the world. They have extremes of emotions and feel both good and bad intensively. Pisces have formidable intuitive ability. Most Pisces are somehow involved with occult or spiritualism. Pisces are very good at understanding people for they have the ability to delve into the psyche and see behind a person's motivations. Pisces are prone to drug addiction and indulging lifestyles because of their eternal search for themselves and their fear of confrontation and having to change a situation, also they justify drug use by allowing it to get closer with their 'spiritual selves'. Once they aware this is why they are doing it, it will be easier to kick the habit. Pisces are not the pushovers that they may seem, in fact they have strength of character and will stand up for what they believe in and and they can do hard work for something they believe in. They can be very lazy but only in matters that they do not care about. Pisces is the most sensitive of all zodiac signs.

If I became addicted to anything, it would be food.  @_@  One of the reasons I like writing is because I enjoy picking people apart.  I think I do well sensing things.

What it's Like to Date a Pisces Woman:

Pisces women are very captivating and fascinating. She makes a man feel like a man because of her need for a protector and leader. She is charming, soft and feminine. The ultimate enchantress. She can see right through a man and she is not easy to fool, so any man better be straight with her and not lead her on, because instead of confronting him, she will simply disappear. She needs to nurture and will give the man orders, but only for his own good. She will make sure he is eating properly and getting enough sleep, sort of like a mother nurturing a child. What she needs in return is a man to protect and cherish her, make her feel like she is needed and loved. She might almost be clingy and dependent but never overbearingly. Her partner will become of better half. She needs patience and sympathy and you have to be gentle with her. Don't poke fun or tease and definitely do not reject her harshly because she can't stand rejection. She is extremely romantic and will lose herself in the relationship. The Pisces woman is the ultra feminine nurturer, the ideal woman for the right man.

The second sentence is very true.  I don't want someone to control me, but leader and protector are sexy, manly qualities to me.   Downfall would be knowing something is wrong and never confronting it, or not pushing the issue enough to where I'd get a truthful answer. 

How to Attract Pisces:

Talk about spirituality, the occult, astrology, anything that is out of reach of the real world. They will easily get lost in a good conversation. Although they are attracted to people with severe problems who desperately need help, this actually does more harm them good. Even though Pisces will offer to make everything right, do not allow them to take on all your problems because they will lose their identity in your situation. They need a strong positive partner to make them strong. Pisces like adventure, new situation and social events and will be up to doing almost anything that you suggest. Make them laugh, they are usually melancholy and will be impressed if someone has the ability to make them laugh. They are not very conservative people so do not be afraid to talk about unconventional or strange things and tell them odd jokes, they will be impressed by that. They are suckers for flattery give them compliments and tell them in a roundabout way that you admire them. Be sensitive, generous and gentle, make them feel comfortable with you and make them feel good about themselves and all will be smooth sailing!

Someone who wanted to date me could do pretty well sticking to this.  I don't go looking for people with issues, however.  I like strange things and odd jokes...you all know that.  I don't think I'm melancholy.  I can shoot odd jokes back at you.  Strangely, I do like roundabout compliments more than the straightforward ones but that might be due to embarrassment.

Pisces Erogenous Zone:

The feet are the most sensitive spot for Pisces. Massaging the feet and sucking on toes are usually Pisces favorite and will get them steamed up and ready for action.

NO NO NO!  D:

Sex With Pisces:

Sex with Pisces is an emotional and physical experience, and if you allow it, it will be a spiritual experience as well. Pisces are very good at, and love role play. Acting fully in their roles. They like to seduce. Role play that you are in an old fashioned brothel and get them to seduce you, they love erotic games for they are able to get completely involved and lose themselves in the erotic play. Pisces likes risque encounters and offbeat activities. A very fun partner for those who like different encounters and physical sex.

Ahh....nosebleed.

I am back from Michigan and had a delightful time.  The trip was spent indulging in wine, chocolates, and the beach - all one really needs.  :)

I'm not really sure what's wrong with me lately because I can't shake this nervous, stressful feeling.  There are things that stress me out but to feel like this constantly is a bit ridiculous.  I guess my problems are always in the back of my mind; I don't know.  It's getting old.  I'm having trouble enjoying myself and letting my mind clear.  I get upset by things before they happen or I imagine them to be much worse than what they are.  I'm going to drive myself crazy.  o_O

My friends and I are going to G.I. Joe tonight so that should be an experience.  I expect to be entertained whether the movie is truly good or not.

I finished editing the Amazon commercial but couldn't upload it due to the website being overloaded.  It had been like that the night before too, so in the end there wasn't much I could do.  That's okay though, it inspired my friends and I to film other things.  :P

I've been feeling slightly sick lately and don't know if I really am sick or if my sleep schedule has messed up my body.  I feel hot though I don't have a fever and I can't eat very much.  I've tried napping to gain back some sleep hours, but I wake up shortly after feeling gross.  I'm going to Michigan for a few days with my family and my cousin and her family, so perhaps that will help me get back on a normal schedule.  ._.

Whatever can go wrong, will, which is what happened last night with my computer and a video project.  I literally got an hour of sleep, and am a bit out of my mind.  ._.  My friends and I are entering Amazon.com's commercial making contest which ends today.  I spent probably 8 hours converting video, trying to get it to encode correctly and work with Premiere.  Halfway through, my computer decided to reject all mice.  Seriously, this is the kind of obscure crap that happens to me whenever I have a deadline.  I felt like I was back in college.

Eventually, I fixed the mouse problem, but didn't get to editing until 5:30 in the morning.  I'd like to touch up the colors and such, but at this point I might just send the video in as-is.

Anyway, I had to watch this again because I am a sucker for a dramatic reading.  I feel a bit better now.

I was going through the domain folders on my PC and realized I had several layouts I never implemented.  I remember thinking they weren't good enough, but looking at them now, don't see why that crossed my mind.  I need to stop thinking so much.  ._.

Even though Advent Children: Complete has been out since June, I just discovered this a week ago and watched it yesterday.

The fact Nomura has only handled short sequences is apparent through all the fade to white/fade to black transitions which cut up the film too much. I felt like Complete didn't flow as well, not only with the transitions but the weird placing of music. Then again, I haven't seen the original in a while so perhaps both suffer from these flaws. I think they got caught up in applying their game FMV style into a full-length film, which doesn't translate exactly. The music cues were very simple and noticeable. Of course, the soundtrack is fantastic, so I can't say I disliked focusing on the music.

I was disappointed they didn't fix some of the CG. It looks fantastic in Blu-ray, despite being 4 years old, and the extra dirt and blood was a welcome addition. However, the biggest eyesore in the original was the huge storm of gravel that flies at Cloud in the Forgotten City. It looked horrendous, like it was in step 2 of modeling and still had 6 more steps to go. No texture; I'm not even sure the lighting was correct. I was looking forward to that being fixed so there would be a completely polished film. Except they didn't touch it. Did they really spend 4 more years on this version?

In the end, it's a definite improvement from the original so I'm happy to own it. The story made more sense and they gave slightly more time to the Turks (though more time for AVALANCHE would have awesome as well). The Japanese got a better version, but don't they always? :\

My dad bought my mom EA Active for Wii and it is pretty delightful. I haven't tried Wii Fit to compare, but my body aches, so Active is probably good. I'm going to scratch my current regiment for the 30 day challenge and see what happens.

I went out and got some fabric and patterns to start on my Hilde cosplay. Hancock was selling patterns for $1.00, so I got pretty lucky. I grabbed a couple patterns for making real-life-people-clothing too, and am going to practice/learn by doing some of those first. From what I see, this shouldn't be too hard...cut a pattern, sew the pieces together. Rite? ( ._.)

I'm really leaning (read: I probably will) alter her costume a bit. There are parts that don't appeal to me and I think I could make it (I don't know if I should say "better," but) look nicer...at least to me. I was thinking of doing something with the wig as well, even if it's just cutting the bangs a different way. Of course, I don't want people thinking I messed up. What do you think?

The lighting in my room isn't the best for taking pictures of shiny fabric, but it gives you an idea. I hadn't planned on stopping at the fabric store, so I did my best to remember what her outfit looked like. I'm happy with the blue as I'd searched online for something similar and never found anything. The gold is a bit dark as I was going to use it for the sash. I don't know if I'd have enough to use it as the trim instead, but I'll see how it goes.

I think at 4 years my XBOX lasted the longest out of everyone I know, but it finally happened; it red-ringed.  The warranty is up, but on the XBOX website it says repairs will cost $0.  It said the same for my friend who recently sent his in, then was charged $180.  He said I should call to make sure it wasn't going to happen to me.

You know me, I am freaked out by telephones, so I'm going to see if I can email someone...  It got me wondering about my fear though, so I looked it up.  I have telephonophobia, but I think I have a bit of phonophobia too, which is the fear of loud noises (including one's own voice, but that doesn't apply to me since obviously I love myself  :P).  Loud noises are like nails on a chalkboard to me.  I get physically ill, like I'm having a panic attack.  Some noises are okay, like I can handle concerts.  I can't handle my dad turning up the volume on a movie, or even listening to my grandma or my aunt talk because they speak so loudly.  I wouldn't say I'm afraid of those noises because I don't avoid them like I do telephones.  They just make me panic inside.

I went out yesterday and got a couple tank tops, a pair of plaid shorts, and these spiffy wing earrings. The only ones they had at the store were a darker color, like pewter. I'd have preferred the silver, but oh well. I paid less than half what that website is asking.

Can I say styles for this summer are atrocious? There were hardly any skirts and the ones they had were floor length. My excursion to the fabric store was foiled when I realized all the fabric stores around me had left. T_T I'm going to have to depend on the internet a lot if I want to try my hand at skirt making or get materials for the Hilde costume. Sadness.

I dyed my hair last night to get out the brassy color my red had faded to. I went with a darker brown in an attempt to bring out my eyes. Look at me thinking things out. I like the color, but think it will look better when it lightens a bit. Still gonna look great when I style it. X3

I had to get up early today because people were coming to change my cracked skylight. I went to bed at 5 then got up at 8 to ready my room. I went downstairs and slept on the couch as they worked. They stayed 4 hours and only carved out one side of the window. It started raining so they're coming back tomorrow morning. I'm going to go ahead and say that given 4 hours, I would have had that window done myself. wtf.